Our Year of Heartbreak

Yes....I still have my blog.  And yes, it has been a VERY long time since I've posted anything.  I've been trying to decide how to share my heart with my friends and family and I thought my severely neglected blog was the best way to so.

So here's what's been going on....

Dan and I have been trying for Baby #2 for quite a while - about a year now.  In April, we were thrilled to find out that I was pregnant.  And then a few short days later, I miscarried.  This was my second miscarriage.  The first was in 2002 and happened in a very similar way.  Both were very early on in the pregnancies and while they certainly have had their emotional impact on Dan and me, there were no physical effects that I had to deal with.

Then in August, another positive pregnancy test!  This pregnancy just felt different.  I can't really explain it but there were things that were just different than in April.  Because of my history, I saw the doctor at 5 weeks rather than the typical first visit around 8 weeks.  They did a couple of blood tests that week and everything looked great.  Then I had my first ultrasound at 7.5 weeks and again, everything looked great.  I was feeling good.  I had the typical nausea and tiredness that comes with the first trimester.  While I could do without those symptoms, I was happy to be experiencing them - more evidence that everything was okay.

Friday, September 21st, was my 11.5 week check up.  Dan and I walked into the ultrasound room excited to see our sweet baby again.  The second the image came up on the screen, we both knew something was wrong.  There was no movement, no evidence of a heartbeat, and no obvious growth from our last ultrasound 4 weeks ago.  The ultrasound tech took a few measurements and then said the words I will remember forever: "I don't have good news..."  We then met with the doctor who explained our options to us.  I will say one thing about everyone who works at the doctor's office I go to - they are all so compassionate and caring.  They expressed genuine concern and sorrow for us.

Because I was further along in this pregnancy than in the other two, I had to have a D&C.  I had the procedure done yesterday (Monday, September 24th) and everything went well.  Having to wait through the weekend was a very heavy weight on me and I'm glad it's over.

I wish I could give you some big spiritual lesson that I've learned through all of this.  Maybe when I'm a bit further away from it I will.  Right now, I don't understand why this has all happened.  God's Word says that He will give us the desires of our hearts and my deepest desire right now is for another sweet baby to love and lead toward Him.  I don't understand this path and I certainly wouldn't have chosen it for myself.  But I trust Him and will continue to follow Him where He leads. 

The verse of the day that came up on my phone the day I lost the baby in April was Ecclesiastes 11:5.  It says, "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things."  I've gone back to this verse many times since April.  I CANNOT understand the work of God.  I'm learning to be okay with that one day at a time.

Our hearts hurt right now and probably always will.  But we'll move forward, trusting God that His timing for our family is always right.  We covet your prayers as we continue on this journey.